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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down 
to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, 
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, 
"I do, ... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, 
"I just thought you would like to know that your horse is 
about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, 
Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was
starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto 
and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you 
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles 
around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone 
Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and 
asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's 
wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, 
"Nothing, but 

you left your Injun runnin'."

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65 year old man goes to his Dr for a physical and blood work. Doc tells him, "You're in fair shape for a man your age". Guy is a little concerned with Doc's comment and asks: "Will I make it to 8

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Your Duck is  Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the  table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly  said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The  distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck  is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she  protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He  might just be in a coma or something." 

 

The vet rolled his eyes,  turned around and left the room. He returned a few  minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked  on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the  examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked  up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the  dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he  returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches,  shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet  looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most  definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his  computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to  the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.  "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet  shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would  have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now  $150."Your Duck is  Dead--

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This is an old campfire joke from northern Wisconsin...

Bear walks into a bar and says, “ give me a Budweiser beer.”

Bartender replies, “ I cannot serve a Budweiser beer to a bear in a Baraboo bar!”😎

Bear responds, I demand a Budweiser beer! And if I don’t get one, I will kill the young lady sitting at the other end of the bar!

Bartender is adamant. “I am sorry, but I cannot serve a Budweiser beer to a bear in a Baraboo bar!”

With that, the bear attacked the woman and inflicted a mortal bite to her throat.

The bartender immediately called the police. And the bear asked, “ but why, I was just being a bear in the Wisconsin wilds”

The bartender replied, “I understand, that you were acting like any bear would. You are under arrest by the DEA. That was a bar bitch you ate!”

😃😙😃

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THE SHOEBOX
 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

 In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

 He asked her about the contents.
 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

 The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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20 minutes ago, Inequality said:

THE SHOEBOX
 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

 In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

 He asked her about the contents.
 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

 The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

I heard a variation of this one...

A guy and a woman are to be married, but before the ceremony he makes her promise to never look into the trunk of his car and that he'll never lie to her, and she promises.

On their 50th wedding anniversary, she finally says, "50 years. I'm going to look in the trunk of his car." She finds 3 ears of corn and a bag containing $10,000.

So she tells him she looked. He says, "well, I promised I'd never lie about it, so here's what it is. Every time I had an affair with another woman, I bought an ear of corn." At first she was furious. Then, after thinking it over, she thought 3 times in 50 years isn't that bad, calmed down and asked, "what about the $10,000?"

"Every time collected a bushel of corn, I sold it." 

Edited by IUFLA
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8 minutes ago, mrflynn03 said:

@btownqb

Thought you might enjoy this. I seem to remember you mentioning boneless wings are chicken nuggets before. 

I've had this argument with my son in law since we met 10 years ago! Took him to a wing place and he ordered boneless wings! I told him there's no such thing and it's been our battleground ever since...

If he wasn't skilled in almost every facet of house construction including electrical wiring and roofing, adept at fixing any machine, including cars and bodywork, and a damned fine husband and father to my grandson, it mighta been a deal breaker...

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11 minutes ago, IUFLA said:

I've had this argument with my son in law since we met 10 years ago! Took him to a wing place and he ordered boneless wings! I told him there's no such thing and it's been our battleground ever since...

If he wasn't skilled in almost every facet of house construction including electrical wiring and roofing, adept at fixing any machine, including cars and bodywork, and a damned fine husband and father to my grandson, it mighta been a deal breaker...

Wife grew up with vegetarians and never had wings before me. Started out with boneless then moved up to actual wings. Works out pretty good because I prefer wingettes and she likes the flats. 

She did start out eating them like a savage like this though. 

 

wWiiuWsr2B95oF4yYrVUDHT6mc_6jCgQwhgUdfKFTjE.jpg

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42 minutes ago, mrflynn03 said:

@btownqb

Thought you might enjoy this. I seem to remember you mentioning boneless wings are chicken nuggets before. 

First..  I shared this on every social media I have yesterday. 

Second.. he's not wrong.  Boneless wings are in fact chicken nuggets. 🤣🤣🤣

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Cannibal advertising at his “pot” as cannibals tend to do..

- Random tourist-$5

- Displaced volunteer- $10

- Lost missionary-$15

- Basic politician -$100

Cannibal customer inquires, “Why so much for the politician?”

Cannibal cook replies, “ Because they’re so full of $h!t, it takes forever to clean them”🤪

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A middle aged guy's wife went to the doctor the one day. Came home and said, "the doctor said I had nice breasts for a 50 year old."

The guy says, "Oh yeah? What'd he say about your 50 year old @ss?"

She responded, "Oh, your name never came up."

 

 

 

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20 hours ago, IUFLA said:

A middle aged guy's wife went to the doctor the one day. Came home and said, "the doctor said I had nice breasts for a 50 year old."

The guy says, "Oh yeah? What'd he say about your 50 year old @ss?"

She responded, "Oh, your name never came up."

 

 

 

I guess you’ve been talking to my wife 

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5 minutes ago, jefftheref said:

My friend don't you ever sleep? 

One of my dogs woke me up to be able  to go out side to do some "business".  No biggie.  Being retired.... I can nap anytime during the day.

But.... the bigger question is...... What are you doing up.... so early ?   LOL

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52 minutes ago, milehiiu said:

One of my dogs woke me up to be able  to go out side to do some "business".  No biggie.  Being retired.... I can nap anytime during the day.

But.... the bigger question is...... What are you doing up.... so early ?   LOL

My wife yelled at one of our cats and woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep so I moved to the front bedroom so I wouldn't bother her. 

And being retired like you I can catch a few winks anytime.

 

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